Category: Anxious Thoughts

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When did the Anxiety start?

It’s hard to say..

When did it start? After that meeting with my advisor, with a long list of To Do’s and that excitement feeling turned to stress. I’d go to the gym. When did it start? When I was elbows deep into reading the 5th scientific article for the day, writing notes and feeling like I didn’t comprehend anything. I’d reread and rewrite everything. When did it start? When I couldn’t remember what I had just read. I’d have to restart and remind myself to focus. When did it start? When I started crafting more than working. I’d tell myself I could make up the time tomorrow. When did it start? When I would eat to the point of feeling like I would vomit. I’d wait an hour and eat more. When did it start? When those days of feeling overwhelmed turned from going to the gym to taking naps to just turn my brain off. To make it stop. When did it start? When I wanted out. When I couldn’t stop the panicking. When all I could do was cry, eat, sleep, avoid it all.

WHEN DID IT START?
I am not quite sure,
it just did.

Anxiety isn’t something that just turns itself on in your brain. It might feel as if it just manifested out of thin air but it takes months, years for it to get bad IF you don’t take care of yourself.

My advice? Take that extra break even if you are feeling good. GO to the gym even when your down. Give yourself the weekend to unwind and relax. Don’t just focus on the end product. ENJOY your life now.

Looking back now, other questions arise:

How did it happen? – I didn’t take breaks. I was always studying, reading, writing. I burnt myself out.

When did you know? – When it was too late. When I avoided all the signs. When I didn’t take any help until it was too much.

What do you feel? – That feeling of excitement but accompanied by negative worry instead of happy thoughts. That heart pounding, racing, riding in a rollercoaster for the first time, being chased by a wasp in anticipation of a sting feeling. The fight or flight. The deer in headlights. All wrapped up into one.

How did you cope? – At first I didn’t, it was too much. I am going in reverse now. From meditation, to working out more, to taking breaks, to crafting, to cooking, to being present with friends, to being present with myself, to not letting the worry over take my mind, to trying to be more positive. All things I am still working on, to be a better happier more accepting version of myself.

Listen to what your body is telling you. Be kind to it. Be kind to yourself.

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My Melodramatic Soap

Scene:
You got a temporary job at a local non-profit organization that is not in the line of your degree (COVID-19 time). They love you. They informed you of potential jobs that will be announced in the upcoming months.
You wait for the job openings.

During this waiting period, your phd-life dream job was just posted for your phd-life dream non-profit organization! An organization you are apart of! The day of the job posting, 3 people have already forwarded you the job posting. You are beyond excited as you are 100% qualified for this position. As if you were preparing of this specific job.

You apply within a week of the post.
Two weeks before the deadline of July 1st.

The following week: The current organization you work for, who love you, just posted that job they mentioned. A full-time position that is similar to the current work plus additional marketing experience (something you are interested in learning). It makes sense to apply!

Due date: July 1st

Well
…
..
.
Fork.

They are both due on the same day, what if I accept the current org job and then 2 weeks or a month later, I get an interview for the dream job? I don’t want to put them in a bind with taking the position and then leaving it so quickly. Do I still apply? I don’t want to hurt the current orgs feelings, should I still apply to the dream job? Do I tell my current job about the dream job? What if they get mad at drop me? What if they don’t hire me? What if I don’t get either of the jobs? Do I bring it up in the interview or do I tell my supervisor? I don’t want anyone to be mad at me – maybe I should not say anything. What if they find out? What if everyone at my current job hates me for taking a different job?

These are my negative thoughts

Thoughts that continually run through my head
Thoughts that make up every scenario possible
The good and bad ones.
Fixating on the bad ones.
Amplifying the bad ones.

I knew I was entertaining negative thoughts
but
I couldn’t stop it.
I couldn’t help it.

A friend helped me see them for what they are
unreasonable & unwarranted.
They helped me take off my blue-colored glasses
and see the more practical..
..more positive outlook.

Our brain likes to start a ‘melodramatic soap opera in our head that has *ties* to reality, but is almost never *rooted* in reality.’

K.K.

How a simple event can turn into a dramatic brain-mess of what is reality versus a made-up think-space with every possible negative outcome.

I must teach myself what is reality and what is a melodramatic soap opera.

Then, I think back to all the soaps I let take over my life in grad school:

I can’t say no, what if they get upset with me and never help me or like me.
Walking down the hallway, they didn’t say hi, what if they are mad at me. Not even a smile – they MUST be mad!
I need help – my advisors door is cracked – he must be busy. But he said if I needed help go in. but he must be busy, he will get mad, don’t go in, he will get mad.
My advisor is frustrated with my results, he must be mad at me, don’t make eye contact, don’t go see him for a week, maybe he will forget. What if he doesn’t?
I have an answer to that question, but what if I am wrong, what if they ask me more questions I can’t answer?! Don’t answer it. Pass on it.
Corrections from professors on my written work – so.many.red.corrections. – They must think I suck.
I will never amount to anything, there is no point. You suck, be ashamed, be nervous to give people your work.

These thoughts and so many more have (and still do) run through my head and dictate how I react to situations.
Impostor syndrome.
Comparing intellect to others.
Putting myself down for not being better.
All of these things made a negative impact on my grad school career and in the end, it left a bad taste in my mouth.

Did I get my PhD? Yes.
Am I proud of it? Not really.
Why? I don’t think I am worthy of it. More on this another time.

Outcome to my melodramatic soap:
I told my supervisor about the dream position and he was understanding, said that I should apply. They even extended my job for another month to wait and see if I get that job. If I didn’t, I could have the job with them!

In the end – they were very understanding. No reason to freak.

Still waiting for an answer from my dream job.
Learning to stop the negative Soap as I wait.

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How does it feel?

Your heart is fluttering – it feels as if it is beating a little harder, a little faster than normal. This only happens when something goes wrong, something you forgot to do, something you forgot to say. You have to figure out what it is or else something bad could happen! What could it be!? Let’s think..

“Did you remember to close the garage? Lock the front door? Turn off the stove? – Yes, yes, and yes!

Well, what about that research report, did you re-read it again for the umpteenth time to check for any passive sentences? You know your advisor hates it when you have passive sentences! How do you NOT learn?!
*Heart starts beating even harder now*
Don’t give it to him yet, turn it in late, look for those grammar errors. Maybe he won’t remember that you said you will give it to him today. Yeah, do that, read it again.
*mentally changing topic to hopefully stop the heart fluttering* And I can’t believe you stupidly ate the last of the hummus. Phillip was looking for it last night and you ate.it.all. How could you eat it all?! That’s so mean! He didn’t get any of it. You deprived him of eating the hummus.
*heart now feels heavy*
You ate all the hummus and your writing sucks. You suck.”
*no more fluttering – for now*

Welcome to a normal start to a normal day.

I ask myself: This is normal right? Everyone thinks like this and they all seem to cope with it. Just ignore it and stop worrying so much.
Stop it.
Stop thinking..STOP..

It wasn’t until grad school, 3rd year, right after I bombed the biggest test of my entire graduate career – the Quals Exam – did I learn about it.

Doctor: You have generalized anxiety disorder.
Me: I do? I just worry a lot, that is all. It’s just the heart palpitations..if you can make it stop..
Doctor: Do you first plan every possible scenario of a situation? Is it hard to fall asleep sometimes because you can’t stop thinking? Does your heart feel like it is always racing? Do you worry about things out of your control? Is it hard to stop worrying about these things?
Me: *laughing sigh* Yeah, I do, but I thought it’s normal.
Doctor: Yes, but not when it is excessive and disrupts your life.

Here I thought everyone had these feelings — I guess not.

And this is where awareness of “what is anxiety in my life?” started.

I’ve been coping with it all my life, giving into the worry, fueling the fire. Since this doctor’s visit I was given medication to help with the palpitations, to help with the worry, to help me learn to constructively cope. Somedays are better than others but it is always there, it always comes back to poke me, to taunt me.

It is always there.

In starting this blog, I write down my thoughts, my worries, my darkness within. This is 100% new to me and it is scary to write down my innermost anxieties — the side no one ever sees. But I’ve found writing down my thoughts helps me to hear that tiny voice that’s rooting for me which gets drowned out by that loud anxious voice inside my head. It helps me see the positive and that everything is okay. I now write it down here for you, that maybe this will help you too – to know that you’re not alone in your negative thoughts, worries, and heart fluttering’s, and that you have a friend. I do not have all the answers or any for that matter – I am trying to figure this out just like you so be there for me and I will be there for you.

I imagine myself running through a field of wheat,
chasing after the bird of my anxiety,
trying to catch it, grasp it, hold it tight,
to stop the fluttering, to stop the fleeting fright,
to understand it, to absorb it, to make the worrying cease,
till one day I soar with it, and bring myself some peace.

This is my life. This is my story.

This is my anxiety.