Scene:
You got a temporary job at a local non-profit organization that is not in the line of your degree (COVID-19 time). They love you. They informed you of potential jobs that will be announced in the upcoming months.
You wait for the job openings.
During this waiting period, your phd-life dream job was just posted for your phd-life dream non-profit organization! An organization you are apart of! The day of the job posting, 3 people have already forwarded you the job posting. You are beyond excited as you are 100% qualified for this position. As if you were preparing of this specific job.
You apply within a week of the post.
Two weeks before the deadline of July 1st.
The following week: The current organization you work for, who love you, just posted that job they mentioned. A full-time position that is similar to the current work plus additional marketing experience (something you are interested in learning). It makes sense to apply!
Due date: July 1st
Well
…
..
.
Fork.
They are both due on the same day, what if I accept the current org job and then 2 weeks or a month later, I get an interview for the dream job? I don’t want to put them in a bind with taking the position and then leaving it so quickly. Do I still apply? I don’t want to hurt the current orgs feelings, should I still apply to the dream job? Do I tell my current job about the dream job? What if they get mad at drop me? What if they don’t hire me? What if I don’t get either of the jobs? Do I bring it up in the interview or do I tell my supervisor? I don’t want anyone to be mad at me – maybe I should not say anything. What if they find out? What if everyone at my current job hates me for taking a different job?
These are my negative thoughts
Thoughts that continually run through my head
Thoughts that make up every scenario possible
The good and bad ones.
Fixating on the bad ones.
Amplifying the bad ones.
I knew I was entertaining negative thoughts
but
I couldn’t stop it.
I couldn’t help it.
A friend helped me see them for what they are
unreasonable & unwarranted.
They helped me take off my blue-colored glasses
and see the more practical..
..more positive outlook.
Our brain likes to start a ‘melodramatic soap opera in our head that has *ties* to reality, but is almost never *rooted* in reality.’
K.K.
How a simple event can turn into a dramatic brain-mess of what is reality versus a made-up think-space with every possible negative outcome.
I must teach myself what is reality and what is a melodramatic soap opera.
Then, I think back to all the soaps I let take over my life in grad school:
I can’t say no, what if they get upset with me and never help me or like me.
Walking down the hallway, they didn’t say hi, what if they are mad at me. Not even a smile – they MUST be mad!
I need help – my advisors door is cracked – he must be busy. But he said if I needed help go in. but he must be busy, he will get mad, don’t go in, he will get mad.
My advisor is frustrated with my results, he must be mad at me, don’t make eye contact, don’t go see him for a week, maybe he will forget. What if he doesn’t?
I have an answer to that question, but what if I am wrong, what if they ask me more questions I can’t answer?! Don’t answer it. Pass on it.
Corrections from professors on my written work – so.many.red.corrections. – They must think I suck.
I will never amount to anything, there is no point. You suck, be ashamed, be nervous to give people your work.
These thoughts and so many more have (and still do) run through my head and dictate how I react to situations.
Impostor syndrome.
Comparing intellect to others.
Putting myself down for not being better.
All of these things made a negative impact on my grad school career and in the end, it left a bad taste in my mouth.
Did I get my PhD? Yes.
Am I proud of it? Not really.
Why? I don’t think I am worthy of it. More on this another time.
Outcome to my melodramatic soap:
I told my supervisor about the dream position and he was understanding, said that I should apply. They even extended my job for another month to wait and see if I get that job. If I didn’t, I could have the job with them!
In the end – they were very understanding. No reason to freak.
Still waiting for an answer from my dream job.
Learning to stop the negative Soap as I wait.