It’s hard to say..
When did it start? After that meeting with my advisor, with a long list of To Do’s and that excitement feeling turned to stress. I’d go to the gym. When did it start? When I was elbows deep into reading the 5th scientific article for the day, writing notes and feeling like I didn’t comprehend anything. I’d reread and rewrite everything. When did it start? When I couldn’t remember what I had just read. I’d have to restart and remind myself to focus. When did it start? When I started crafting more than working. I’d tell myself I could make up the time tomorrow. When did it start? When I would eat to the point of feeling like I would vomit. I’d wait an hour and eat more. When did it start? When those days of feeling overwhelmed turned from going to the gym to taking naps to just turn my brain off. To make it stop. When did it start? When I wanted out. When I couldn’t stop the panicking. When all I could do was cry, eat, sleep, avoid it all.
WHEN DID IT START?
I am not quite sure,
it just did.
Anxiety isn’t something that just turns itself on in your brain. It might feel as if it just manifested out of thin air but it takes months, years for it to get bad IF you don’t take care of yourself.
My advice? Take that extra break even if you are feeling good. GO to the gym even when your down. Give yourself the weekend to unwind and relax. Don’t just focus on the end product. ENJOY your life now.
Looking back now, other questions arise:
How did it happen? – I didn’t take breaks. I was always studying, reading, writing. I burnt myself out.
When did you know? – When it was too late. When I avoided all the signs. When I didn’t take any help until it was too much.
What do you feel? – That feeling of excitement but accompanied by negative worry instead of happy thoughts. That heart pounding, racing, riding in a rollercoaster for the first time, being chased by a wasp in anticipation of a sting feeling. The fight or flight. The deer in headlights. All wrapped up into one.
How did you cope? – At first I didn’t, it was too much. I am going in reverse now. From meditation, to working out more, to taking breaks, to crafting, to cooking, to being present with friends, to being present with myself, to not letting the worry over take my mind, to trying to be more positive. All things I am still working on, to be a better happier more accepting version of myself.
Listen to what your body is telling you. Be kind to it. Be kind to yourself.